why am I here and what am I doing? I should be somewhere else doing something better.

...

truly, truly

today I witnessed another humbling and inspiring lesson from family members as over THIRTY-FIVE YEARS of collective hard work towards a single goal finally pays off. true perseverance, dedication, and unwavering vision. shame on me for ever doubting myself or my ambitions among these amazing people. I never will again, and nothing will keep my from my own triumphs and success! AMEN.

lullaby of the working class

shed a tear for rock and roll.

...

the card cheat

this week I started looking for leads to jobs. there are several gas drilling companies in the area hiring general laborers since the Marcellus Shale boom is in full swing here. they don't go into many specifics on the phone part of the process. I'm sure it pays decent. it's not something I'm too excited to do but my lack of skillset limits my possibilities. which is why I looked into some education programs at the local community college and also one of those 'career training' schools. I don't know. I will probably just pick whatever and do it.

I did get dad fixed up with a new bathroom sink this week. it's much taller so he doesn't have to bend over so far in the morning times just to shave or splash his face. it's not as wide either so he has a bit more room too. he seemed pleased and then talked about how hot the weather has been like he always does.

lonely town Merica

there are people on the bridges and people in the streets, there are sparks above the city and restless ground beneath.

"Hold Fast, Young Man."

halfway to eighty, or four tens. two twenties? anyway I look at it, it's hard to believe.

mom was having a hard time believing it too. yesterday Poppy wanted to make some plans. with my birthday coming up soon I had been wanting to do a sort of 40 year laundry list and I woke up thinking about it.

unfortunately I must say I have failed at almost everything I have been striving for by the time I hit 40. I'm not going to make a list after all.

but I am very glad to be alive! and at least I can make Poppy laugh sometimes. that is the most important thing I do have. it feels like a miracle finally that failing at love isn't on my list for once. I hope Lena and Owen always think I'm fun too.

and for my birthday there is really only one thing I want. that I let myself want. because want is a dangerous thing. the only thing I want, and have ever wanted, is to make music to share with world. that everybody can enjoy and have a good time with.

from the moment I hit the first chord with Josh and Ryan, it's the only time my soul feels free and right.

I sure had a lot more to say about all this, but it sure is hard!

I hope I am able to do some good works for people in my 40th year and beyond.

adventures of the human man

how can such a tiny girl be such a huge bed hog? it is baffling! it's okay, I was up from the rain anyway.

a few weeks ago one of the weirdest things ever happened to me. I was sitting on the couch, totally relaxing and not even moving. Poppy was standing in front of me talking to me, and was witness to this...just sitting there when all of a sudden there was a very loud POP sound. I mean loud. like a popping muffled bang. it was one of the bones in my right arm exploding. I don't know how it happened. like I said I wasn't even moving. my arm was just resting on the armrest. it hurt immediately. shortly after that my left shin starting getting hot on the inside. really hot. like the bones in there were melting. for a minute I started to worry I was going to spontaneously combust. but I didn't.

my arm swelled up and hurt like a sonofabitch for quite a while. it had to be a hairline fracture at least. I broke my left arm in my youth and it felt the same. I could move my wrist up and down fine but if I twisted it from side to side it was horrible pain. it gradually has felt better. I played a show this past weekend and it didn't give me any trouble.

maybe it's just powers trying to get out. it was pretty weird though.

animals

so many people are preoccupied with overstimulation and beng cool and being consumers they forget what is truly precious. it is hard to feel sorry for them when it turns their personalities foul.

my own shortcomings are weak too. I truly hope there are some good people in the world who will save the tigers. there are literally hardly any left in the wilds of the world. my god what a world that would be.

"I lose sleep over it."

american dreaming

I thought I could, but I can't write about it. I will sometime. I don't know when though.

I'm real glad the weather has been pretty nice recently.

...

not...

(this is not a) dot dot dot

I didn't take this picture. I like it though because it reminds me of the golden miles of my dreams.

the title fight causes riots in the streets

everyone has odds stacked against them, and a normal person finds varying degrees of compromise in order to achieve a content or livable life. some people shine and excel and others crumble under disappointment.

today was an eye opener. almost as much as yesterday. today I learned you had a meltdown yesterday too partner, mine was at approximately 5:30pm. I didn't ask you what time your's happened. I could feel my soul slipping away; I could feel the light inside starting to go out - that light that has shined from the eyes of experience and excitement from people like us for years and years that finally flickered from the foreboding finality of fate's unwanted advances. I could feel the reality of everything. I bet you could too.

then last night I crumbled to sleep very early and slept for an eternity. I slept for 12 hours. I dreamt of turmoil in the world, of huge masses and crowds suddenly insane piling on top of each other in a rage of unbridled violent berserk as they all tore at each other with every ounce of strength. I dreamt of two strangers viciously pursuing me with harm to the ends of the earth and finally tiring of the fight and offering a white flag and acceptance only to have them lie and turn on me in violence to make me suffer. I dreamt of a house I lived in many years ago slowly and deliberately burning in flames, and trying in vain to put them out with not enough water. I felt turmoil and chaos and failure in my dreams. I woke strangely fully rested, not exhausted as when I usually have such terrors.

I don't know what will happen next. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

But I know I wanted to make a point of telling you today that for all my gargantuan efforts at such a small thing, I have come to realize the reward is not in the end. The reward is you. No matter what no one can ever say we didn't try at our own ways, no one can ever accuse of following rather than leading, no one can ever take away our beautiful loves that have been there for us no matter what, rich or poor, happy or sad. A lot of times I feel mine deserves better than me, better than some ancient dreamer. And if this is my last stand, and I fade away into the grind so she can have the best I will keep my regrets to myself. At least I will know I tried.

I know you will be okay. You are much smarter and more talented than me. But I don't really feel like I know how to even TRY to be good at anything else.

It does my heart good when I hear about victories for you or one of the other good guys. I would give you one every day if it was in my power.

flower

I promise I swear to god in heaven I am trying to do everything in my power to make things better for us. I have been trying to do it my way, which is a fool's undertaking in this day and age I know. I don't know how much I have left in me. but I promise I'm trying sweetie.

amen

when I was much younger, I had four deeply soul-shaking, very real, affirming, beautiful, inexplicable, true spiritual experiences. three when I was a very young child that were so true and personal that I will never tell anyone in detail about them and one later in my teenage years that scared the life right back into me. they are very beautiful experiences that have given me comfort and inspiration and a stonghold in myself many times, and it is a shame when I let that slowly slip away.

I have never tried to talk to anyone about what they should or shouldn't or do or don't believe or have faith in.

it's strange and can be disheartening as years pass and sometimes I feel less close to miracles as the loss of innocence clouds the heart, mind, and soul.

I'm not sure I really know how to pray. I don't pray for help because it seems so selfish. mostly I just wish the world and everyone in it and all the animals and plants and waters and lands could be okay.

the thing is I'm really twisting in the wind. I am really up against it. I don't know what to do or really what I'm doing. and it's not even doubt that beats me down.

it's better to try to forget it and really count my blessings and try to do things for people I love so hopefully they won't have to worry what it's like to feel that way.

note to self

hold fast. don't ever surrender. damn it don't give up. hold fast. hold fast.

mospo orjithan

so much work to do.

four twelves

there is nothing like the wind in your hair. like the wind made by the velocity of monstrous walloping volume as I stand in front of my vintage Marshall amplifier. it is a force of rocknroll. it took me years to actually "get it." and to get it...I had NEVER owned a Marshall until I got this about 3 years ago. it changed my life. I can feel the force of tone and volume and electricity as it travels from my hands and guitar to the head and speakers. I swear I can feel the sound bouncing off the closed-back cabinet and throttle through the front and beat against my pant legs. it's a force that could seriously knock people over that have never experienced being in a gig room with one close to dimed out. I want to drive a billion miles an hour with it strapped to the back of a wooly mammoth horse in a torrential thunder and lightning downpour to the foot of an imposing snowcapped mountain and plug it in to a crack in the earth and strum windmill power chords until the mountain shakes down.

it's totally awesome is basically what I'm tryin to say.

CLOSED.

gone fishin.

this is the voice

a rant. for me. I have to get it out.

I just got fucked. so fucked. by some piece of shit liar. and it is a financial matter. I am an honest person and did business honestly and honorably. and you are a fucking liar. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself about it, but I will let myself be pissed for a time. I got enough other fucking bullshit going on and you gotta make it worse by fucking me, which now fucks up a lot of other things financially for me.

and you know what fucks me over the most? I hate it when this sort of shit happens to good people I know. and it seems to happen a lot. good people who are honest and do their best and get fucked over by the shit of the earth. they don't deserve it. good people that still believe in doing good works and rarely ask the world to cut them a break seem to get screwed the worst. I guess it's why even the rarest tiniest victories come as such sweet shocks. I normally try not to let shit bother me and to keep my head up and just fight the good fight and keep my opinions to myself when some people always come out smelling like roses...BUT FUCK I AM SO TIRED OF THIS.

so congratulations you motherfucking piece of shit liar. you think you are so smart because you found a loophole to fuck me through. God knows what you fucking need the money for, but enjoy it you fucking piece of garbage.

the greatest follies!

well let's see...what will it be next? what perverse over-extension of effort now?

...

...

tones

I'm not great or accomplished at playing the instrument of guitar, but my god do I love tone.

I crave it like a junkie does a needle. there are sounds buried in my ringing tin ears waiting to find their soul mate manifestion.

I know some chords and stuff but can't solo worth a damn; mostly I just play how I think things should sound, to the best of my ability with varying degrees of success/failure. I give it everything I got for sure but it is frustrating. I think with some lessons and even more practice someday I could have a real command of my instrument.

but you can't teach tone. it's from the soul of each player. some people GET IT, like REALLY GET IT and other people just think they do. but man I can't even imagine how empty I would feel if I didn't have the tone soul search in my dumb body.

I like how lightning tickles my spine when I can feel the flow of something from my fingers on the neck and the body against mine as it pours out in archaic pure electricity to something that gives it even more voice, sweet or searing. it probably sounds childish but I don't care and I don't really know how to explain it.

someday I hope to be a better player and be able to share my sound vision with as many people as possible. it would be nice.