today was an eye opener. almost as much as yesterday. today I learned you had a meltdown yesterday too partner, mine was at approximately 5:30pm. I didn't ask you what time your's happened. I could feel my soul slipping away; I could feel the light inside starting to go out - that light that has shined from the eyes of experience and excitement from people like us for years and years that finally flickered from the foreboding finality of fate's unwanted advances. I could feel the reality of everything. I bet you could too.
then last night I crumbled to sleep very early and slept for an eternity. I slept for 12 hours. I dreamt of turmoil in the world, of huge masses and crowds suddenly insane piling on top of each other in a rage of unbridled violent berserk as they all tore at each other with every ounce of strength. I dreamt of two strangers viciously pursuing me with harm to the ends of the earth and finally tiring of the fight and offering a white flag and acceptance only to have them lie and turn on me in violence to make me suffer. I dreamt of a house I lived in many years ago slowly and deliberately burning in flames, and trying in vain to put them out with not enough water. I felt turmoil and chaos and failure in my dreams. I woke strangely fully rested, not exhausted as when I usually have such terrors.
I don't know what will happen next. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
But I know I wanted to make a point of telling you today that for all my gargantuan efforts at such a small thing, I have come to realize the reward is not in the end. The reward is you. No matter what no one can ever say we didn't try at our own ways, no one can ever accuse of following rather than leading, no one can ever take away our beautiful loves that have been there for us no matter what, rich or poor, happy or sad. A lot of times I feel mine deserves better than me, better than some ancient dreamer. And if this is my last stand, and I fade away into the grind so she can have the best I will keep my regrets to myself. At least I will know I tried.
I know you will be okay. You are much smarter and more talented than me. But I don't really feel like I know how to even TRY to be good at anything else.
It does my heart good when I hear about victories for you or one of the other good guys. I would give you one every day if it was in my power.