Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
everyone has odds stacked against them, and a normal person finds varying degrees of compromise in order to achieve a content or livable life. some people shine and excel and others crumble under disappointment.
today was an eye opener. almost as much as yesterday. today I learned you had a meltdown yesterday too partner, mine was at approximately 5:30pm. I didn't ask you what time your's happened. I could feel my soul slipping away; I could feel the light inside starting to go out - that light that has shined from the eyes of experience and excitement from people like us for years and years that finally flickered from the foreboding finality of fate's unwanted advances. I could feel the reality of everything. I bet you could too.
then last night I crumbled to sleep very early and slept for an eternity. I slept for 12 hours. I dreamt of turmoil in the world, of huge masses and crowds suddenly insane piling on top of each other in a rage of unbridled violent berserk as they all tore at each other with every ounce of strength. I dreamt of two strangers viciously pursuing me with harm to the ends of the earth and finally tiring of the fight and offering a white flag and acceptance only to have them lie and turn on me in violence to make me suffer. I dreamt of a house I lived in many years ago slowly and deliberately burning in flames, and trying in vain to put them out with not enough water. I felt turmoil and chaos and failure in my dreams. I woke strangely fully rested, not exhausted as when I usually have such terrors.
I don't know what will happen next. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
But I know I wanted to make a point of telling you today that for all my gargantuan efforts at such a small thing, I have come to realize the reward is not in the end. The reward is you. No matter what no one can ever say we didn't try at our own ways, no one can ever accuse of following rather than leading, no one can ever take away our beautiful loves that have been there for us no matter what, rich or poor, happy or sad. A lot of times I feel mine deserves better than me, better than some ancient dreamer. And if this is my last stand, and I fade away into the grind so she can have the best I will keep my regrets to myself. At least I will know I tried.
I know you will be okay. You are much smarter and more talented than me. But I don't really feel like I know how to even TRY to be good at anything else.
It does my heart good when I hear about victories for you or one of the other good guys. I would give you one every day if it was in my power.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I promise I swear to god in heaven I am trying to do everything in my power to make things better for us. I have been trying to do it my way, which is a fool's undertaking in this day and age I know. I don't know how much I have left in me. but I promise I'm trying sweetie.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
when I was much younger, I had four deeply soul-shaking, very real, affirming, beautiful, inexplicable, true spiritual experiences. three when I was a very young child that were so true and personal that I will never tell anyone in detail about them and one later in my teenage years that scared the life right back into me. they are very beautiful experiences that have given me comfort and inspiration and a stonghold in myself many times, and it is a shame when I let that slowly slip away.
I have never tried to talk to anyone about what they should or shouldn't or do or don't believe or have faith in.
it's strange and can be disheartening as years pass and sometimes I feel less close to miracles as the loss of innocence clouds the heart, mind, and soul.
I'm not sure I really know how to pray. I don't pray for help because it seems so selfish. mostly I just wish the world and everyone in it and all the animals and plants and waters and lands could be okay.
the thing is I'm really twisting in the wind. I am really up against it. I don't know what to do or really what I'm doing. and it's not even doubt that beats me down.
it's better to try to forget it and really count my blessings and try to do things for people I love so hopefully they won't have to worry what it's like to feel that way.