breaking the fourth wall, part 5

"you know when you get really drunk and the only thing that makes you feel better is to throw up? it's kind of like that."

I had been working for a few months on assembling my writings together and getting some layout help in anticipation of releasing a collection of my previous works/stories/poems plus a few new pieces all in one volume. I decided it's not going to happen.

me and a few of the good fighters have this thing we do when certain circumstances happen and the moment calls for it that we just laugh as we shake our heads rather than cry and say "no one cares" and it if you say it with just the right tone it sums up everything pathetic and hilarious and all that at once. but it's true! no one cares! ha! and really, that's okay. it's all in how you handle the truths anyway.

this month I received some interesting home schooling on the subject of the art world. and according to source materials, true artists "fail in public." well HOLY SHIT. in the company of wolves! enough said.

of course I have never considered myself an "artist"- minus the usual outsider angst-title every dick with a guitar or a pen or a camera impresses upon themselves when they are 20 years old. I am much better suited as an entertainer. or at least the title of entertainer. try, try, try.

I used to paint! I used to do like one painting a year and give it away as a gift. to people who were very special to me. the funny thing is, aside from my brother and one lifelong friend, everyone else I ever gave one of my paintings to has vanished from my life! I wonder what ever happened to those paintings? although after a very long lapse in the series I did make a very small painting a couple years ago for a friend. I didn't have any paintbrushes so I used a steak knife. I haven't attempted anything since. to this day, I still laugh when I think about the painting I gave my brother. oh it came out of a very "serious heavy time" for me then, but at the very moment I handed it to him it hit me all at once how hilarious it was and I laughed out loud and still do. THAT was more of a turning point in my life than any heavy handed brushstrokes could deliver. my god that painting. the most serious, SERIOUS thing I ever attempted at capturing. fucking hilarious. I won't describe, but to the privileged few. still laughing.

the music though, that's another story. another ridiculous story. oh Good Lords in the Heavens.